February 24, 2011

Next time someone tells you there are no dumb questions, staple this list to his forehead.

1. Backward Thinking
"I sold my only car to help pay for gas money, but now gas has come down in price. How do I get my car back?"
I tried to contact this guy, but it turns out that he also sold his computer to help pay for his Internet connection.

2. It's Caps Lock--Capisce?
Note to self: Register; make millions.

3. Credit Crunch
"I wanted to see if my computer would read my credit card so i put it in the cd rom and it got stuck, how do i get it out?? I tryed toothpics but lost them in the process?? also the drive is making noises"
Oh, that's normal. Your system is just waiting for you to pay the required $1 processing fee for scanning the card. Simply fold a greenback into a tiny square and insert it into any USB port.

4. Mousin' Around
"My mouse stop working every time i lift it up from the table why is this? this is not just OS .i have linux and vista both same thing so its not drivers"
Yeah, no big deal there, either: Insert your credit card into the CD-ROM drive and tell your computer--slowly and distinctly--that you need the Air Mouse 3000 upgrade. You'll be good in no time.

5. Technical Difficulties
"I've been asked to write an application in my own handwriting....? is there a computer programme that will do this for me? they also want original ideas. do you know any?"
This reminds me of a letter to the editor I once read years ago: "Are there any undiscovered islands left in the world?" The response: "Not that we know of."

6. It's All in the Details
"I have an assignment about computer.. What is unimportant details about computer?"
Wait a minute--does this assignment also require original ideas?

7. Unknown Nuptials
"Am i married in any state? have i been divorced?"
I'll take "questions asked after a night in Vegas" for $500, Alex.

8. A Sticky Subject
"Where can i buy a really big jar of peanut butter?"
If this is from the same guy who asked the previous question, I'm getting concerned.

9. Fruit Frets
"I have ate two whole tangerines in about two hours what will happen to me?"
That all depends on whether you swallowed any seeds. If you did, be very careful not to eat any dirt or drink any water for the next two weeks.

10. Fat Chance
"How do i become obese fast? I want to look good by the end of the year."
You can start by eating two tangerines in two hours. Then run around in circles until you figure out what "obese" means.

11. Cantaloupe Hunting
"I thought cantelope was an animal!? i always thought that a cantaloupe was that animal that has the horns and they live in Arizona and stuff, but i was shopping for groceries yesterday and i saw they had cantaloupe meat on sale. so i was like yeah sure i'll try it, but what i saw, wasn't a cantaloupe. it was some white and green fruit thing! whats up with this?"
The store is guilty of mislabeling. The term it was looking for is "jackalope"--which is a cross between a jackfruit and a manilla envelope.

12. Hey, Babby
"How is babby formed????? how girl get pragnent?"
On the one hand, I kind of hope you never figure it out. On the other, maybe your parents don't know either--and it obviously didn't stop them.

13. An Academic Inquiry
"Why are there school? is a point to it?"
There are school so you can learn how is babby formed, silly.

14. Canine Law
"Is it illegal to name a dog after a movie?"
Only if that movie is Air Bud 2. As a practical matter, though, you might want to avoid calling out to your pooch on a crowded bus if you decide to name it "Bang Bang You're Dead" or "I'm Going to Explode."

15. Lost in Space
"What is the best place to ask questions online? i mean, or there any QA forums like on yahoo or anything?"
Hmm...a forum-like place to ask questions on Yahoo. Nope, haven't heard of anything like that. But if you find something, be sure to let us know.

16. Mathematical Matters
"Is there any possible way of making 2+2=5?"
The easiest way is to flip the positions of 4 and 5 on the number line. Another method is to use LSD (Least Sequential Denominators).

17. Sandwich Sensations
"Is it possible to feel like a sandwich?"
Sure. It's called LSD (Lettuce, Succotash, and Dill-pickle). It feels, like, weird...

18. About Those Drugs...
"How do you ask a question on yahoo answers?"
Hey, don't ask me. I'm still trying to find out if there's a forum-like place to pose questions there. Anyone? Anyone?

19. Spelling 101
"How do you spell government?"
Most of the time.

20. Turtle Trouble
"I was bitten by a turtle when i was a young lad, can i still drink orange juice?"
This is why old lads should be barred from Yahoo Answers. Seriously--where do they come up with this stuff?